Numb
by shred01
Summary: "What's in the van?" My take on the US promo for 5x15 "Target". Contains spoilers.


**Title: Numb**

**Author: shred01**

**Spoilers: US promo for 5x15 _"Target"_.**

**Summary: _"What's in the van?!"_ My take on the US promo for _"Target"_.**

**Disclaimer: My cheque bounced so I don't own any of this.**

* * *

_Oh god._

The pool of blood that marred the inside of the van made Kate's heart stop, the shock of seeing so much of it in such a small space numbing her. It was the only thing visible in the otherwise empty van. That and a shoe. Sneakers to be exact. Black. With dark purple laces.

Lanie was saying something to her but all Kate could hear was the rush of blood in her ears, drowning everything out. Lanie touched her arm. More words were said.

_Oh god._

"What in the van, Kate?"

Kate whirled around, momentarily forgetting that Castle was right behind her. Snapping into detective mode, she grabbed his forearms, stopping him from moving any further. Any closer and he'll see what she saw and that was the last thing she wanted. They may have seen many dead bodies during the last four years and have been to many gruesome crime scenes – some more gruesome than most – but nothing, _nothing_, is going to prepare him for this.

Kate's gripped tightened on him as he peered at her curiously. She tugged at him to try to lead him away. "Let's CSU handle this ok? We don't need to get in their way."

"What's in the van?" he repeated, not budging from his spot. "Did they find her?"

"Castle…"

Tears started to fall from his eyes and Kate broke. "Is she dead?"

"Castle, please, you don't need to see this." She tried her best to keep the quiver out of her voice but Castle must have saw something in her expression as he roughly shrugged her hands off and took a step forward.

"What in the van?!" he yelled.

Kate stood her ground. "Castle, please."

Ignoring her, Castle pushed past her and headed straight towards the open side-door of the van. Kate grabbed the back of his coat and followed him closely. Her mind started going over the usual speech she gave to families of victims of a violent crime – never in her wildest dreams thinking she would actually give it to Castle. "Castle, you have to prepare your –"

He froze and Kate almost crashed into him. "Whose blood is that?" he asked, his voice barely audible.

"We don't know," Lanie replied instead when Kate couldn't. "CSU are working on it right now. But it's going to take some time to know who it belongs to."

Shooting her best friend a grateful look, Kate stepped forward, her fingers never letting go of Castle's coat. She looked up at his profile. His face was wet with tears, jaw taut with strain as if he was doing everything he could to not scream. His blue eyes grew a shade darker as he focused on the scene before him. "Do you recognize the shoe?" Kate asked. "Is it Alexis'?"

Castle remained silent as Kate watched him. His eyes flickered to the shoe and he shuddered slightly. She felt his fist clench against her thigh. "No. I've never seen it before," he finally uttered.

"Ok. We'll get CSU on it. Let's get out of their way ok?" She gave a tug and started leading him away. This time Castle didn't bother protesting as he let her pull him away from the van.

He then stumbled a few steps before doubling over and throwing up all over the asphalt in front of them. He fell to a knee as his body violently shook and retched again.

Kate rubbed his back soothingly as he gagged and heaved. She glanced over her shoulder and signaled to one of the police officers for some water. The rookie nodded and within seconds pressed a cup of water into her hand. She smiled her thanks before turning her attention back to her partner. Kate waited as Castle emptied his stomach, her lips mumbling calming words, her hand making vague patterns on his back.

A moment later, he fell silent, his body trembling beneath her hand. "You ok?"

Castle climbed to his feet shakily. Kate gripped his elbow as he swayed. "I'm fine," he croaked, wiping his mouth with the back on his hand. His face took on a sickly pale colour, his forehead coated in a sheen of sweat.

"Here. Drink this," she said. She took his hand and wrapped it around the Styrofoam cup. Castle took a mouthful of water, swished it around in his mouth and spat it out before repeating the action.

"Thanks," he mumbled, crushing the cup and tossing it to the ground.

"Come on. Let's get you home."

Castle shook his head hard, causing him to stumble forward. Kate clutched his elbow before he could topple to the ground. "No," he said. "We should head back to the precinct. Wait for the CSU report."

"Castle, they are going to take hours with the report. You know that. No point in hanging around at the precinct. We'll go home, get some food in you, and maybe have a couple of hours of sleep."

"I can't. She's out there and –"

"I know but there's nothing else we can do right now. I'll make sure to get the boys to call us when they get back the CSU report, ok?"

Castle pressed his lips into a thin white line. His blue eyes gazed at the scene around them before letting out a breath, giving in. "Fine."

She slipped her arm around his waist and pulled him close, letting her body taking some of his weight as she guided them to her car.

* * *

He felt numb.

Before, he felt the edges of his frayed nerves, the anxiety and fear gnawing away at him. He felt his muscles pulled taut with tension, mind and body on full alert, eyes drinking in every detail that came at him. He was so overwrought with the strain of the events that had happened so far that performing simple tasks such as walking or talking was causing him to be in physical pain.

Now? Now, he was at that place where couldn't feel anything.

Words, images and everything else in between swept by him like pages of a boring book. His brain just couldn't process the story – he just kept flipping through the pages so he could see how the story ended and he could finally put the book down and not touch it ever again.

As they drove back home in Kate's squad car, one thought and one thought only ran rampant in his mind.

_My little girl is gone. _

The thought danced around in his head, its edges pricking the back of his eyes, causing a dull ache to bloom and settle there. A constant reminder of the nightmare that he was in.

Somewhere in the distance, Kate spoke, her voice a hollow white noise when it reached his ears.

She touched his knee.

More words.

He couldn't hear or feel any of it, his mind and body anesthetized to anything and everything around him. It felt nice and Castle decided that he wants to be in this state for as long as possible. It's a lot easier than going through the onslaught of feelings his body has been putting him through since yesterday.

_My little girl is gone._

His head throbbed, the only reminder that he wasn't _completely_ at that place just yet.

God, he needed a drink.

He felt the slight jerk of the car as it came to a stop. Blinking, he realized they were at their destination but not at the place he expected. He turned to Kate, confused. "What are we doing at your place?"

Kate unbuckled herself and popped her door open. "The FBI are still camped out in the loft. The last thing you want is a bunch of cops in your face. You need some time alone and away from all of…this."

"Mother?"

"She's with friends the last time I checked. We'll call her again later to check in. I'm sure she's worried about you."

Castle nodded.

"Come on. Let's get inside where it's warm."

Castle didn't remember their way up to Kate's apartment. Before he knew it, he found himself on her couch with Kate rummaging around her kitchen for something to eat. She came to join him a few minutes later with a couple of Chinese takeout boxes.

"This is all that's left. I could order pizza if you don't feel like Chinese."

Castle's stomach rolled at the thought of food. After throwing up everything his stomach had to offer, he didn't think his body – much less his stomach – was strong enough to handle food, Chinese or otherwise.

"It's fine," he replied, taking one of the boxes from her and setting it down on the table in front of him.

"At least take one bite. You need your strength."

What he needs was Alexis to be home with him.

Instead of arguing, - because, really, he didn't have the strength for that either – he made a show of picking up the takeout and stabbed a fork into the cold noodles. He lifted the forkful of noodles to his mouth and raised his eyebrows at her. _Happy?_

Kate sighed. "I'll get you something to drink," she said before turning on her heels and returning to the kitchen. As soon as she had her back to him, he tossed the fork back into the carton and returned the box back to its original place on the table. He hung his head in his hands and stared at the floor at his feet. He didn't dare close his eyes, knowing full well that all he'll see was the dark pool of blood in the back of that van.

His stomach rolled again at the thought. He pursed his lips.

He heard footsteps approaching him. If Kate noticed that he didn't touch his food, she didn't say anything and Castle was grateful. He lifted his head and watched as Kate set two glasses and a tall bottle of Jack Daniels on the table. He cocked his head at her quizzically.

"I thought you might want something stronger," was all she said.

A smile tugged at his lips as Kate sat down beside him. She unscrewed the bottle open and started pouring the rich amber liquid into the two glasses. She handed him one while she took the other.

Castle tossed back the drink without hesitation. He winced as the alcohol burned its way down his throat and settle uncomfortably in his empty stomach. He immediately felt the alcohol searing away the edges of the anxiety that had been eating away at his nerves since this whole nightmare began.

"I know," Kate began, "there's nothing I can say to make this whole thing any better but I promise you that we'll get her back."

Instead of answering, Castle nodded towards her untouched glass and asked, "Are you going to drink that?"

She handed him her share without a word and watched him down the contents like water. "Castle –"

"Kate, please. I don't want to talk about this right now. I just…I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk, I don't want to feel, I don't want to think. I just want to drink and just…"

_Just feel numb. _

"I just want to drink," he finished instead.

He could feel Kate's eyes searching his face as he stared into his empty glass. He felt her fingers ghost across his profile, from his temple and down to his jaw, as if to sweep away the pain that was etched on his face.

"Ok," she finally said after a moment of silence. She set her glass down and moved into him, bottle in hand. She pulled up her legs, curling them beneath her as she took his arm and slipped it around her shoulders. He let them fall back against the couch, the two of them sinking into the cushions. Kate nestled into the crook of his arm, head against his shoulder.

She filled his glass and he took a swig.

_My little girl is gone._

The thought felt numb in his brain as the alcohol started to do its magic – the ache that came with those words starting to dissipate, their edges now blunt.

He tipped his glass back, draining it.

Kate poured again and he drank, a rhythm starting to form between them.

And then finally, _finally_, Castle reached that place he had been craving. The world fell away, his mind went silent, his body thrummed with nothing but alcohol. All that was left was the drink in his hand and the comforting weight of Kate against him.

Kate kept pouring.

Castle kept drinking.

* * *

**_A/N: I hold everyone who read and wrote beautiful reviews for my last fic responsible for this little thing. Without you guys, this wouldn't have happen. I blame all of you._**


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